Gwyneth Paltrow seeks nanny with an outstanding résumé!

When I first registered at FAB and compiled a list of the qualities I’d like a nanny to have, I thought my standards were pretty high. I wasn’t looking for anyone superhuman, it’s just that I wanted to avoid a few weaknesses that I’m quite happy to forgive in my friends. I wanted someone responsible, punctual, caring, patient, affectionate, creative where play was concerned, CRB cleared and with first aid training. Hardly any of my friends possess all of these qualities (though I think they’d all pass the CRB check!)

So basically, someone reliable with enough common sense and the experience necessary to handle a toddler and to keep him entertained and safe. A Chinese speaking nanny would have been a bonus, but in the end I decided rapport was more important – the position went to the candidate that my little boy got on with best. Anyway, I thought it was a pretty high specification for a nanny.

Or at least until recently, I thought it was a pretty high specification. A few weeks ago I read in the Telegraph that Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin had advertised for a nanny, and their list of requirements was such that even the renowned super nanny, Jo Frost wouldn’t make the shortlist. The nanny to be in charge of Apple (8) and Moses (6) ‘must apparently possess a classical education, including Greek and Latin, be fluent in at least three languages (preferably including Mandarin or Japanese), be musically fluent in two instruments, be passionate about sailing and tennis, and enjoy art history or martial arts’. The package is more than £60,000 a year, for 3-4 hours a day with 9 weeks holiday a year and also inludes travel expenses and accommodation. I’m pretty sure if I took on a nanny of that calibre, I’d be best off sending her to run my company while I stayed at home and took care of the childcare!

Wouldn’t dear old Gwynnie worry about being upstaged by her super nanny too I wondered? Probably not. Gwyneth is a bit of a ‘renaissance woman’: a published writer, has a fledgling Oprah-esque media empire (see goop.com), there’s the Oscar of course, and the Grammy nomination, but she’s a double-platinum recording artist too. With her Belsize Park townhouse, her rock star husband and bright-eyed good looks, it’s hard to view Gwynnie with unalloyed admiration – a teensy weensy bit of jealousy creeps in.

Last Wednesday I went to see Glee live at the O2. I love the show: lots of adorable, fresh-faced high-school students belting out cover versions of current pop hits and old favourites. The cast are athletic, gifted, they’ve got youth on their side and the actors and actresses involved in what is now a worldwide hit have the world at their feet. I left hubby at home looking after my little boy, and a girlfriend and I went along to get a little fix of youthful exuberance. After a forty-five minutes just watching these energetic young things’ hip-hop dance routines and full-volume vocals, I was starting to feel a little bit exhausted, and well, pretty old! I am after all nearly forty.

At this point in the show, a surprise special-guest appeared on stage, also nearly forty years old, and upstaged everyone. You’ve guessed it: Gwyneth. She looked stunning, toned legs on four inch Louboutin heels, dancing with the star-struck cast members and belting out a note-perfect rendition of Cee Lo Green’s ‘Forget You’. At that moment it was impossible to begrudge Mrs Chris Martin her success and high standards. Her star-quality was evident and the hard work that must back it up (rehearsals, gym sessions, strict diet, etc.) wasn’t hard to imagine. No wonder the woman needs a super-nanny – her schedule must be rammed, and she’s setting her kids such a stellar example, they’ll be wanting to be A-listers ASAP too.

Instead of resenting her gilded life-style, I find myself wanting a piece of it. I speak Mandarin, I’ve got the sailing certificates, I wonder if I can fake the Greek and Latin?!

Hannah Wong

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